Overlord Academy

It seems like everyone is harping about this thing called global warming. They go on and on about this being the end of the world as we know it. Animals are going extinct, plants are not growing and the air is unfit to breath.

With all this global “warming” going on, I pose one simple question: Why is it snowing in April and May?

I’m not kidding. I go and buy a new motorcycle to enjoy the warming climate and then it snows the very next day. We are expected to have snow twice this week as well. I have seen no sign of global warming! I have, however, seen plenty of evidence pointing to the fact that the Earth is experiencing menopause. Hot one day, bitter cold the next. Obviously the world upon which we live has hit her mid-life, and is now suffering what all women suffer, screwed up inner workings.

What can we do? How can we repair this travesty? We do the same thing that men have done for countless centuries. Go camping with our buddies, ignore the old hag and generally have a mid-life crisis. In other words, do nothing but ignore the problem and hope she goes away.

Everyone needs one of these!

I am fairly certain that most of society knows what a care package is. Especially in the sense of a VIP gift bag. The Evil Overlord needs to implement a Do Not Care Package system. I am sure once implemented it will quickly become more popular than the care package ever was. Instead of only using for special events, the Do Not Care Package can be used at any time one wished to convey their disappointment, disgust or even just their innate vileness.

The true beauty of this new system of showing your true feelings is that you can time these gifts to arrive at the perfect time to cause the recipient further embarrassment or other uncomfortable situations. For example, at a couple’s 50 year anniversary, you could send the wife compromising photographs of her husband. You of course want him to have a better understanding of where he ranks with you. (For you slower learners, you have a problem with the husband not the wife.)

The really neat thing with this new system is that it truly can be used whenever. You do not need a special reason. You could send the Do Not Care Packages to your heart content, or save them all for that one special moment to capitalize on their pain and anguish.

Perfect for the Evil Overlord!

All of the truly sinister evil doers have their own theme song. Darth Vader has a very recognizable theme song. You hear that music and you KNOW something bad is going to happen. I want a theme song!

The Evil Overlord needs a theme song. Sinister sounds emanating from his person, or blaring from loud speakers as he enters the throne room. What better signal to give to the masses that their very lives hang in the balance than a perfectly crafted piece of music, a true work of art.

The operative word here is music. This by definition excludes country and rap. You may choose to go with standard billboard music, or even alternative, but for a truly great sinister theme, you have to utilize a full orchestra. The high piercings of the strings, the throaty sounds of the woods and the sharpness of the brass all combine to create a truly deep fear of the man approaching.

I think that this needs to be a special contest. Whoever can create a theme song that I find suitable, will forever be execution impermissible. All entrants will have a death reprieve through the end of the contest. Truly disgusting pieces of work will require execution at the end of the contest.

All you would be musicians, get to work!

This past weekend, Mrs. Evil Overlord gave birth to my new spawn. Cute little bugger. Of course this begs the question, is having children advisable for an Evil Overlord? The answer is of course, no. However, I had already multiplied before crafting the rules that this school teaches. The children born after the rules are to cause trouble for the earlier spawn. So I am fine. All my spawn have a reason for continued life.

I do need to be careful though. They now greatly outnumber me. Should they ever get past their petty differences and gang up against me… The results would be disastrous! One more reason for avoiding offspring as the Overlord.