Overlord Academy

What you wear as an Evil Overlord is very important, as discussed earlier. There are some articles of clothing that should never be worn, ever, by anyone. These pieces of clothing should be banned from society, with a very severe punishment allotted for law infringement. Anything spandex is straight out, wrong. What it shows off and removes from any need for an imagination is wrong. No matter how attractive you may think you are, spandex is not the way to go.

This leads us into swimming suits, since they can be made of like material. If you are planning on walking around, not actually out in the water at the beach or pool, then you need to cover up. Big, skinny, tall, short. I do not care, cover up if you aren’t swimming. The reason for this is simple, and leads into our next article of clothing, shorts.

Unless you are in private, or involved in an activity like swimming or other sport, do not wear shorts. The reason for this is simple. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Odds are you are pasty white to begin with. If you were to go out in the sun dressed like that, the rest of us would be blinded from the glare. Next, the odds are you are extremely underweight and therefore have chicken legs, or you are larger than you should be, and have excess skin flappage. Again, no one wants to see that. But wait, you say. I have perfect legs, and a beautiful tan! No I doubt it. There are so few perfect legs, with perfect coloring, that you should really stop trying to kid yourself. Your legs are hideous, and I do not want to see them!

Shorts are bad. I do not want to see you in them. Unless of course, you are one of the small handful with a perfect body and image. For the viewing enjoyment of everyone, you may wear shorts. You may apply for a short license at any public relations office. You will be put through a strict test, measuring color, drool factor of the opposite sex, muscle tone, length, and other good taste judgments. It is not an easy test to pass. Those who fail the test will be executed for forcing the test administrators to look at your hideous legs.

As stated in previous posts, no matter how strongly you may wish, you will never have special powers. X-Men mutants can never happen, and the power of the force is not real. You cannot crush throats like Darth Vader. You cannot shoot lightning out of your hands like the emperor. And no matter how cool Yoda is, you will never be as awesome. The force, and mutant powers are all make believe. We are reiterating this fact because there are those of you who continually ask for instruction, and talk about, these powers.

If you find that in spite of reality, you do have special powers, use them. Use your powers often. Use your powers in the open. Make the peasants and other world leaders fear you! Be careful not to disfigure yourself using your powers like the Emperor. Make sure you do not drive yourself insane denying the powers that you have.

Since no one else has these powers, you are special. There is no one else to teach you. There is no one for you to rely on. The world governments will try to control you, and people will fear you. It is going to happen. So learn to use your powers fast. Do not shun them. That way, when the governments do come around, you can control them instead, and use them in your plans for World Domination. The hated land of france will be a good testing ground. The people are pansies, and will in no way try to stop you. They will just look the other way and talk about the latest vintage. You can also use elves as targets.

One of the biggest pitfalls of having powers, will be the tendency to rely on them completely. This is bad. Powers can be blocked or countered leaving yourself defenseless. Do not shun other weapons. Know how to use high and low tech weapons, and always keep some on your person. Hidden. Secret, and unknown from even your closest advisors.

It is often stated that the caliber of a man, can be determined very easily by whether or not he keeps his promises. Does this man follow through with what he said he was going to do? Or is he the type whom you can depend on never keeping his word? The Evil Overlord needs to be the first type. This is not so that people will know he is honest. This is so that people know, without any doubt, that what he says he will do, he will indeed do.

For most people, when they threaten to destroy the world, we would simply laugh at them, and continue on with what we are doing. If the budding Evil Overlord threatens to destroy the world, and everyone knows that he will follow through with his threats, then you know you darn well better give into his demands.

As we can plainly see, for the Overlord who always follows through, his job is already that much easier. The populace knows that he will do what he says. Destroy france, turn Iraq into glass, flood Australia, all amazing events, but you know they will happen if the Overlord says it is going to happen.

Always follow through with what you say you are going to do. Otherwise you will constantly have to do everything possible to maintain control. You will be forced to reach and struggle with everything, instead of having the people of the world giving you what you want.

Having been knocked out of commission recently due to an illness, it dawned on me why it is so important not to have a second in command. It would be too easy for that single individual to take over, to take control of your empire, and to knock you off. A second in command is a very bad thing in as much as it threatens your well being. But who is going to run things during those times that you simply can not? Not just during illnesses, but maybe while you are in hiding, or while you are away conducting other types of business.

We will not leave everything to chance. We are working towards being the Supreme Dictator for Life, not some wanna be with dim desires of greatness. We are smarter than all that. What we will do is set up a system of offices which control a specific function necessary for living and maintaining the government. These offices will be structured in such a way that they will always be in strife with the other branches as long as the number one guy (that would be us) is at the helm pushing things along.

Obviously, you can not be with every one all of the time. But you can give them direction, and goals to work towards while you are away. This way, they will continue to function as needed, but be unwilling to band together for any other purpose. Making it exponentially more difficult to band together to overthrow your rule.

These offices will also make things easier for you during the normal course of business, since they can worry about the mundane things, while you can strategically, and artfully, position all of your assets to conquer and overthrow the next government and country in line. With each new conquest, the next becomes easier, and so on. This system of rule can only work in your favor.

Either during the implementation of your bid for World Domination, or during your reign as Supreme Dictator for Life, the standard lines of communication will be severed. Communication is critical to your rule. You have to be able to have two way flows of information between you and your subordinates, and then out to the peasants. You need to make sure that back up forms exist.

During World War I and II, homing pigeons were used to send messages. It is true that pigeons often made a tasty meal for large birds of prey, and many messages did not make the final destination, but it is a form of communication that should not be ignored completely. In a pinch it will do. There has even been an implementation of IP over Pigeon. (Computers talking to computers.)

Do not use messengers. Men are too easily swayed. A good messenger is too hard to come by, and too easily dispatched by the enemy. Since man is always thinking of himself, your secret documents are more than likely sold to the highest bidder less than five minutes after they leave your hand.

Since transmission lines are easily severed, and because of the known difficulties of the above methods, you will be forced to rely on radio and microwave technologies. Although it is easy to block these signals, they cannot be blocked indefinitely. You can too easily bounce the signal around and get your message out.

Since radio communication will be pretty much required, you need to learn how to operate and repair radio equipment. There are many radio clubs with members more than happy to teach you this knowledge. Use them! Learn everything you can. These clubs are also a good source of future communication specialists for your future armies, or your massive propaganda machine.

Although many governments no longer require you to learn morse code in order to obtain a license to use radio, you are strongly encouraged to learn it. Since no one else is learning morse code, you would be able to tap out orders in the clear and no one would be able to interpret your orders.

Morse code could also be used in sending smoke signals. Granted, another faulty form of communication, but when in a pinch, you will use whatever you have available.

If you really need to get a message out fast and widespread, make use of the female gossip channels. People twelve hours away will hear you message less than ten minutes after you have finished giving the message. This is still a mysterious phenomenon, but it exists, and as Evil Overlord, you are not above using whatever is at your disposal.

The point is, always maintain lines of communication. If one line goes down, follow a set method of transferring to another form. Always have a back up. As soon as you can, get the previous method back up in working order. A successful Overlord is a well informed Overlord.

Invariably, you will have some down time, or other times that you may wish to listen to music. Your subjects will also wish to listen to music. This is all fine and good, but we need to define what is and is not classified as music, and the punishment for violating the music standard.

Music will be defined as anything played by an orchestra or sung by a choir. Rock bands, alternative, and even soul will be considered music. Folk will be tolerated to a point. Operas, plays, musicals, and even renaissance bands will be allowed.

Rap is not music. Rap is a punishable offense. Punishable in any way the Evil Overlord deems necessary at any given moment.

Country is not music. In no way is this horrid concept even allowed to be discussed as music. Mentioning this awfulness outside of reading this law is punished by a quick death. Playing and/or creating this abomination will be punished by a slow, and very painful death. Anything sounding remotely like country will be considered country.

After a few years of this ban being in effect, some of those so called country stars may find that they have their dog, wife, and jobs back. With rap being outlawed, our street corners and random recording studios will again be safe. Gold will no longer be bought up and made into such gaudy forms of bling. The world will have a more pleasant sound surrounding it. Soon country and rap will be but a painful memory for the very old, and a ghost story to be told around the campfire.

There have been several inquiries concerning population control. Some have wanted to limit who may partner with whom. Still, others want to dictate further who may obtain education. The point of all this, is to maintain a firm grip on potential troublemakers. The thinking is this, if intelligent people partner with dumb people, their offspring will be dumb, and follow your instructions blindly. If intelligent people partner with intelligent people, their offspring will be able to think for themselves, and will quickly recognize that they do not want you as their ruler, and will plot to over throw your empire. This is just bunk.

Completely daft parents are fully capable of having absolutely brilliant children. Highly intelligent parents can have utterly brain dead children. Let the people partner with whom they will. There is no point in wasted your efforts with such a fickle endeavor. Besides, secret engagements will always happen.

So how can we control the populace? Simple, we watch them. We listen to them. We monitor them in every way conceivable. Television sets will have embedded cameras and microphones which continually feed data. Telephones are automatically bugged. All electronic equipment will have similar bugging. We will offer free upgrades to new equipment, and when enough have been put into circulation, we begin to act. Make a few dramatic arrests. Have some of them end in a fire fight. Fear will control the populace.

Because of fear, conspirators will not meet together. Messages will not be sent. No one will know when it is safe to talk about forbidden things, and so they will not speak of them. If would be conspirators cannot communicate, they will have a hard time organizing any sort of rebellion against you. The simplest and most effective form of control. Fear!

This is just a start. Use your imagination. What other forms of control can we have in our arsenal? Remember, we want the populace to THINK they have freedoms. We do not want them to think that they are being controlled, at least, not directly.

The purpose of a doomsday device is to give credibility to an Overlords threat of total world destruction. The threat of life’s end, will drive many people to do things that they normally would not do. Things such as give up life savings to pay off the tyrant bent of world domination, or gladly giving control of the country to a crazed lunatic, for a few more precious hours with loved ones. A doomsday device is a necessity to every plan of world conquest. Plan on it, do it.

Possessing this destructive instrument is only part of the battle. As the Evil Overlord, you must be willing to activate the device, knowing full well that your life is forfeit as well. Meaning, of course, you do not threaten your own life for something simple like france to surrender. With france you need only to land a small group of armed soldiers anywhere in or near there, and the whole country will surrender. No, you need to hold out the doomsday device for those big, cannot live without, occurrences. Instances like the whole entire world converging upon your fortress. If they capture you, you are as good as dead anyway, might as well threaten EVERYTHING else in exchange for the heads of the leaders of the invading rabble, and for the complete surrender of all invading troops. If they value their life, or the life of family and friends, they will give in, especially knowing that you are fully capable of ending it all, once and for all.

Now, to improve the chances of the doomsday device activating without any attempts from the opposition interfering, the location of the doomsday device needs to be kept secret, and the exact operation of the device known to none but yourself. For example, if the device was not located on this planet, it would be very difficult for the opposing forces to get to the device in time if they were able to even locate it. Also, it does not have to destroy the earth directly. If you destroy the sun, earth is as good as dead by default.

Remember, you want to live as much as the next person, but you have a mission! You want to rule the world. Are you willing to give it all up, just to preserve your life? Which will be a very pathetic life not ruling the world.

We have an added luxury in our time of world domination. Computers have made our job infinitely easier. Thousands upon thousands of tasks can be automated, and the human error factor can be eliminated entirely. However, computers do have one major drawback, they can be manipulated. Insert a little bit of code here. Enter a stolen password now. The system is compromised, who did it? When did it happen? If you were well enough prepared, you could simply go to your logs and very easily figure what happened and when it happened. Sometimes you can even tell who did it. 

Log everything. Every application needs to have its own log, and every log needs to log great detail. If someone even thinks about looking at a computer system, you want to log it.

Of course, having the logs only work if you are willing to look at them. Meaning, they need to be searchable and easy to read, and you need to spend time reading them so that you are familiar with them and so you know how to spot any anomalies.

The logs will aid greatly in covering your butt. If you can prove who caused the computer meltdown, the people will not be so in your face over a public execution. Nor will you have to feel bad about throwing one of your ministers into the dungeon to suffer agony, torture, and eventually death. There will be meaning to your madness.

As Evil Overlord, you have a great need in maintaining armed forces. These troops will be used for invading other countries and subsequently taking them over. These troops will also be used for protecting conquests already won. They will serve as a backup to your other local law enforcements. Theses troops will also be protecting you own sorry butt.

You want these troops in top shape. They need to be healthy. They need full competency in all forms of weaponry, primitive and advanced. Competency includes knowledge in the use of, and in defending from every weapon ever known to man. Hopefully this knowledge will be paramount in fighting off the Ewok uprising which is bound to happen sooner or later.

With the troops trained in this manner, they should be able to construct their own weapons at any given moment. This makes arming them a much simpler matter. Instead of having to come up with an elaborate array of weapons, a simple standard issue pack can be used for each soldier. This pack should include a semi automatic handgun with a caliber bigger than 9mm. You should probably make this a standard to save cost on ammunition, as well as easing the burden of the supply chain. I would recommend a 45. Each soldier should also have an assault rifle. Again make this a standard rifle and round. Those who have proven efficiency at marksmanship, may exchange the assault rifle for a sniper rifle. This pack should also include a good knife or two, and a few hand grenades or other portable explosive devices.

This is all general issue. If the need arises for something different, something a little bigger, this must be provided. Do not worry about what may be required. Your troops will inform you soon enough.

Although in most fighting groups there is one designated communications officer, every soldier should be equipped with his own radio and locating signal. This is for obvious reasons. If I must spell this one out for you, you are too incompetent to continue pursuing the Evil Overlord position.

Body armor is a necessity, but must be tailored to the position being patrolled. While in the navy serving on a ship, body armor is not going to be of any use. While patrolling the streets of occupied france, light armor will be required. While leaving your tent to go to the can in Iraq, heavy armor is a must.

If you have trained your men properly and given them the tools necessary, your troops will be able to look after themselves, and be able to provide you with the greatest military force ever assembled.

Years ago when John F. Kennedy said, “Ich bin ein Berliner!” He did not say he was a jelly donut as is commonly thought here in the United States. What he said made perfectly good sense to the people in West Berlin. It is only when the statement was reported back in the States did things go awry. 

As Evil Overlord, there will be many times when what you say, is mistaken as something else. Your meaning will get lost in translation, and in the retellings. Although Mr. Kennedy is famous for being shot, and his sordid love affairs with Marilyn Monroe, he is even more famous for saying that he was a jelly donut. Only, he did not say that. Look at how his reputation has been tarnished. Instead of just being the promiscuous dead president, he is the imbecile who could not get a proper translation for, “I am a citizen of Berlin!” 

What we need to do is gain absolute control over the media. Have all news reports monitored, all the time. Make all reports subject to government review before it can be reported. Whenever something is reported putting us into a less than ideal light, we quash the report. We make the reporter disappear, as well as anyone else who then subsequently brings up the report. We do not want the general populace thinking that we are in any way inept. Most importantly, we want to make sure that what we are about to say, is completely accurate in translation. Do not just accept the word of your writers. Ask a local, and then reward him handsomely! If later, it comes to your knowledge that he was wrong, send him a nice care package. A package containing cement, and a big fellow, probably named Bubba. 

In essence, make sure you know what you are about to say. If you have to, pause and think about what is about to escape for your big mouth. The one used to having a foot stuck in it.

To put it bluntly, no!

The purpose of becoming the Evil Overlord is so that you can do what you want. Having a spouse severely limits what you can do from your want to do list. They are always wanting you to spend time with them, instead of torturing that hot thing in your dungeon. And they are constantly giving you the disapproving look when you kill someone who needed some killing. If at all possible, do not get married!

If you have already married prior to your decision to become the Evil Overlord, avoid the kid scene at all costs! They demand all your time, money, and anything else they can get their grubby little hands on. Once they become of age, they will take one of two paths. Either they will hate you and all that you stand for, trying to kill you and end your rule. Or they will lust after your power, and kill you so that they can take over. Either way, you are screwed. It is best to just avoid the kids.

Sadly, there are those of you who already have kids. Your road is going to be a tough one! Not only do you have all the planning, scheming, and our chores relating to world domination to do, but you also need to take care of the family. You need to spend time with the kids so that they will love you and not want to kill you. You have to teach them so that they are not naïve and can be fooled by some smooth talking rebel. If you have kids, you probably have a spouse, who also has needs. If you ignore any one of them, I guarantee they will become the catalyst to bringing you down.

It is better all around just to avoid the whole mess. Oh sure, that means you will be pretty lonely as the Evil Overlord. But so what! That is why the torture rooms were invented. And game rooms. And home theaters. And books. A small sacrifice to make to shore up the possible weak points in your regime. Deal with the loneliness.

Besides, when are you ever going to have the time to woo any potential date? By the time you take over, any potential date will have at least one of the following problems. Either they are after you for your power and will be wanting to kill you shortly, or there is something completely wrong in their head! Either way, both are good enough reasons to run the other direction!

No matter how much you may wish for some sort of special power, you will never be anything more than an average human. Thinking that by just willing it to happen, you can somehow change reality, will only prove how woefully inadequate you are to rule the world.

Yes, it is nice to dream of being able to fly, to shoot raw power from your hands, or even to control the elements. All it is though, is foolish dreams. The only true super power that any of us can truly work toward, is enough control of world politics and local governments to always have our will obeyed.  In all actuality, anyone can obtain that lofty goal. However, by attending this school, you are being taught those few extra skills to give you an extra step or two up the ladder leading to world domination.

Once you have taken over the world, you can use your military and other resources, to develop all the equipment needed to pretend that you can fly, shoot lasers from your eyes, control the weather, manipulate the elements, control minds, or generally enjoy your abilities to really screw up the peasants way of life. And of course, you will always be able to test this new technology in the lands which will be formerly known as france.

It has come to my attention that as an Evil Overlord, you should not say, “Bless You.” You are evil, and you do not want to bless people. Instead you want to curse them in some way. Let them know that you feel nothing for them, and that you hope that their health worsens. After all, if they are ill, they will have a greater struggle to overthrow your empire.

Nor can you walk around saying, “Curse you!” People will just think that you are mad and angry, and maybe you want to kill them. I am not saying that you do not want to kill them, but you do not want to let them in on the fact.

Since the traditional way to bless someone is the German word, gesundheit, it would be best to use a German word to not bless someone. The opposite of healthy is diseased, and the German translation of disease is krankheit. Therefore, whenever someone sneezes, you should respond with the proper krankheit. Go on, give it a try. Say it outloud. Does that not feel good to say?

Update June 27, 2007 – Something I overheard recently, which I find very appropriate: Pestilence upon thee.

Every Overlord needs a Seat of Power. It is from within the safety of this fortress that he is able to rule the world with an iron fist. It takes many years to actually finish construction of this building, and a lot of memory manipulation so that others do not know all the secret passages. We will leave all of that to a later lesson. Today we will cover the basics only.

The Seat of Power needs to be constructed in such a way as to instill awe at first site. The workmanship needs to be top rate. Splendor needs to adorn. Absolute power needs to be reflected at all times. Meaning, the building itself needs to convey the message that to attack this building, death will ensue. This building needs to be very well fortified. Every type of attack needs to be planned for. Against missiles, airplanes, and even cannons, there is very little to defend against. Do your best, and plan for the worst. Keep the attacking people away from the building. Put traps and machinery in place to take out the cannons, missiles, and even kamakaze airplanes. Keep them out. Make use of natural defenses whenever possible. Build on cliffs, surrounded by dangerous waters, or something similar.

If by chance the attackers make their way inside. The object has changed. Instead of keeping them out, you now want to keep them in. Wherever the attackers are, you need to be able to fire upon them, without being shot back. The hearts of the people can only last so long while their comrades are falling in droves, all around them.

Other than battle, your Seat of Power serves another purpose. At times, you will need to conduct business. To all invited guests, while they are within this structure, need to be constantly overwhelmed. They need a sensory overload of the majesty and raw power that you possess. Make them feel how insignificant they really are.

Inside the Seat of Power, is your Inner Sanctum. We will not discuss this now, but remember, this is your permanent living quarters. Since you are living in the Seat of Power, you will need escape routes, and backup supplies in case your plans fail, and the people come looking for you. Like the Boy Scouts, always be prepared. Plan for the absolute worst outcome. Plan even for your death. You have all that wealth and power. Let someone else take that with little or no effort? Of course not. Destroy everything upon your death. If they covet your position so greatly, make them work for it.

As you have no doubt surmised, this structure is of great importance. Start planning now. It will take you many years to conquer the world. Once you do, you can not delay. Work must commence immediately upon the greatest fortress the world will ever know.

Do not use elves in the construction in any way. They never forget, and will secretly build their own back doors and tunnels. Nasty, vile creatures!

As I stroll through the halls of our illustrious school, I am confronted with sights that appall, and smells noxious enough to kill a fully capable adult skunk at three hundred yards.  I am referring to your attire, and your personal hygiene.

As I have chatted with a few of you, I have discovered the root cause of these atrocities. Many of you feel that as Evil Overlord, you do as you want. Wear what you want. Groom as you wish. This is wrong! More than anyone, the necessity of your proper dress and groom designates your class in life. Dress like a slob, people will consider you a slob and treat you accordingly. Dress to the amount of respect you want from people, and they will give you that respect. If the people do not respect you, they will constantly struggle to overthrow you. Thus causing your reign to be a troublesome burden for you.

Other than the respect desired from your subjects, you should greatly be concerned with your health. Poor grooming and dress standards lead to poor health. Poor health leads to an early grave. As an Evil Overlord we want to live forever. Rule our people for a long time to come.

Therefore, effective immediately, the suggested dress code is now the mandatory dress code. Anyone found to be breaking this dress code will be publicly executed. The Overlord Academy does not teach second rate students.

For those unaware of the dress code, this quick summary should be enlightening. No clothing should be revealing in any way. Dress as though you were going to church. Show respect in dress to those around you. Show respect to your neighbors by bathing regularly. Wear deodorant. Keep your hair clean, and well combed. If you insist on having facial hair, keep it clean, and neatly trimmed. Stay away from the ZZ Top look.