Overlord Academy

With the most recent United States of America elections outcome, I have been thinking about socialism. During my youthful training, I spent a few years in Russia. This was shortly after the communistic regime had collapsed. The socialistic programs and their outcome were still evident. The people spent all those years living in squalor, equally. The leaders, not so much squalor, but they still had to deal with shoddy workmanship.

As you go out and establish your own empires, remember the lessons learned from Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba, and many others. If you want to destroy the country, implement Socialism. If you want your empire to ultimately fail, socialism is the way to go! Sure you might be a clenched fist tyrant, but if enough people rise up against you, no matter how hungry they are, you are going to fall.

For a truly successful empire to last, your subjects need to be free; or at least the illusion that they are free. Free to choose not to buy their own health insurance. Free to choose which doctor they visit and what care they will pay for. Free to choose what kind of life they want to live, and free to earn the money to afford their chosen lifestyle. If they are unable to earn the necessary funds, they obviously will not be living that lifestyle! The government is not going to pay for them, nor will the rest of the nation.

Granted, there will need to be regulations to prevent price gouging and stiff penalties for those who adversely affect others. Causing a car accident and not having insurance for example. Basically, let the people govern themselves. This means less work for you as the ruler, and oddly enough, will win the adoration of your subjects. You can still do all those heinous things you desire, but your subjects will willingly turn a blind eye to them!

In summary then, if you want to destroy your empire implement socialism.

I will not.

The weather here at the Overlord Academy has been atrocious the past little while. Because of this, the roads are absolutely horrid. On my drive in to the real world this morning, I watched (watched not view afterwards) six vehicles slide off the road. The roads were really awful. My own vehicle would slide to the left and to the right as I hit large patches of uneven road. Because of my superior driving abilities I was never in any danger. Except…

…There was this one ignoramus who insisted on driving five feet behind me. I left plenty of room between me and the guy in front of me, which was fortunate because he slid off the road several times which showed me where the really icy bits were. The dork behind me almost slid into me several times. To be honest, I do not know why he did not.

After World Domination is achieved, I am going to create a new task force. This task force, comprised of volunteers and a few government paid administrators, will have the ability to shoot and destroy those idiots who tailgate in dangerous conditions. Similar to what today was. Capture and torture will not be discouraged.

This past week, the Overlord family packed up and went camping in a remote wilderness. It was a chance to unwind, and ignore briefly the stress of ruling the world. Nevermind working on the curriculum for the school. There were also some extended family members in attendence. I keep them around for inspiration. Inspiration for many things. This post is one of them.

One family member had her kids there. Normally this would not have been a problem, we were in the wilderness, large areas for them to get lost in. These two kids were completely unruly! They have no discipline in their life! They bite, kick, scream, anything to get their way. They ride ripshod over their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone! I enjoy anarchy as much as any other evil maniac, but I will not be disrespected!

Contrast those two little peons, to my children. They are not perfect, but in comparison they are. The Overlord children respect me! They have been taught and disciplined. They know not to play with fire. They know not to hit their ruling father. They know death comes swiftly for even looking at Mrs. Overlord in a threatening manner. My children know how to behave, how to avoid the attentions of any and all adults.

During this week, not once did I need to bend one of them over my knee. The two brats however… Oh yes, they were scolded, not just by me, but by several others not in their immediate family. There were even a few who bent them over their knee. Their parents did not. The interesting thing to note, as soon as an adult established boundries with these brats, they were respected by them. They would obey them, or, in the very least, avoid them completely. Not a bad side-effect, I enjoyed the peaceful quiet.

I have been reminded though, that laws need to be established to ensure that the children in the empire are being properly disciplined. Unruly children will be beaten. Not harshly, but enough for them to know that they screwed up! Punishments will be swift so that the child knows how they screwed up. Parents and/or gaurdians who neglect this responsibility will be beaten. There is no excuse for unruly children!

I am officially declaring war upon pigeons.

During this past winter, a mob of these trash birds took up residence on the roof of the Academy. I was completely unwilling to climb up there in the snow and ice to take care of the problem, and the janitor staff managed to get roof work in their contract. I had no choice but to address it myself. (I may be plotting world domination, but I am not there yet. I must still follow the law.) Fortunately a couple of hawks took up residence nearby and scared the pigeons away. I was, however, left with an awful, smelly mess.

Over the weekend I found some time to finally get up there and fully assess the situation. I was dumbfounded at how bad things really were! The rain gutters were completely full of bird poop! Several sections of the roof were completely covered as well. I quickly gathered a few tools, garbage bags and my trusty leather gloves. I then ascended back up to the roof and began clearing the mess. Three garbage bags and thirty minutes of high water pressure later, the roof is once again, clean. There were even dead birds buried in all that poop! It was one giant disgusting mess! New torture method, burial up to the head in bird crap.

If the birds ever show up again, there will be no mercy. Out will come the spike strips. Out will come the traps. And out will come the bags of poisoned bird food. This past winter did not have mercy, only laziness. But that to will be gone if those filthy things return! I had a strong dislike for them before, but now it is pure hatred!

I am fairly certain that most of society knows what a care package is. Especially in the sense of a VIP gift bag. The Evil Overlord needs to implement a Do Not Care Package system. I am sure once implemented it will quickly become more popular than the care package ever was. Instead of only using for special events, the Do Not Care Package can be used at any time one wished to convey their disappointment, disgust or even just their innate vileness.

The true beauty of this new system of showing your true feelings is that you can time these gifts to arrive at the perfect time to cause the recipient further embarrassment or other uncomfortable situations. For example, at a couple’s 50 year anniversary, you could send the wife compromising photographs of her husband. You of course want him to have a better understanding of where he ranks with you. (For you slower learners, you have a problem with the husband not the wife.)

The really neat thing with this new system is that it truly can be used whenever. You do not need a special reason. You could send the Do Not Care Packages to your heart content, or save them all for that one special moment to capitalize on their pain and anguish.

Perfect for the Evil Overlord!

Halloween is hands down the best thing to come from the Pagan beliefs of old. As Halloween is done with, and as the kids all suffer from sugar overdose, let us ponder how Halloween can be used in our empire. First of all, Halloween allows even the most timid to break out of their shell and act the fool. Granted, as shells are broken dangerous ideas are born, but in the eventual sugar overdose, those ideas are soon forgotten in the sugar rush blur. We do not really care about that, we care about increasing our control over the masses. The biggest benefit comes from the costumes. Very quickly you will find those with the most imaginative minds. The most creative, the most likely to come up with fresh ideas. As Overlord you can choose, find this new talent and make use of them, or let them remain anonymous, quietly plotting your down fall.

Hold annual costume contests. Offer large prizes to entice participation. Even offer smaller prizes to all who dress up, sort of like giving them a bone. They will think you are letting them have fun, but you will be secretly taking notes. Use Halloween to your advantage. Exploit your workers. Strengthen your control over them. Bring the kids to the office, give them candy. Now the workers think their families are being taken care of. Major moral boost and in the big picture, cost you very little.

Bureaucracy is a beautiful thing in any government. It is the greatest asset any governing body has in keeping the peasants at bay. Without all the red tape, the peasants would be constantly hounding you and your subordinates for anything and everything under the sun.

Paperwork is the backbone of a great system of red tape.  Long and cryptic forms force the weaker minded human subspecies out of scope, leaving only the truly determined, and potentially dangerous, peasants for the government to truly have to worry about. These few can then be micromanaged and bounced from department to department long enough for the real decision makers to decide how to handle the particular threat.

Although the proverbial paper trail is slowly vanishing, internet forms can be just as complicated, and even more troublesome than their paper counterpart. The forms can be hidden in such a way, that it is next to impossible to find and fill out. The only thing that you want to be easy, is payment of the fees. Anything that can pad the treasury is a good thing.

Change all forms on a random schedule, but always in the middle of a major sporting event. This will confuse the fools even further as they tend to browse the internet a lot right before a game, make a decision during the game, and then act after the game. By the time they act, the game has changed, and they are caught completely unaware.

This red tape can even be used within the government to keep the different groups from banding together and potentially staging a coup. Coups of course, tend to be bad for the health of the Evil Overlord.

An added bonus for the Evil Overlord, is that a special document can be set up that is easy to fill out, trumps all other orders and forms, and only available to the Evil Overlord that speeds up all processes, and gains him instant gratification of any want and/or desire. Thus making life hard for others, and easier for yourself.

Start now in writing up the red tape plans, they take time to create, and when finished, can be a true work of art.

Invariably, you will have some down time, or other times that you may wish to listen to music. Your subjects will also wish to listen to music. This is all fine and good, but we need to define what is and is not classified as music, and the punishment for violating the music standard.

Music will be defined as anything played by an orchestra or sung by a choir. Rock bands, alternative, and even soul will be considered music. Folk will be tolerated to a point. Operas, plays, musicals, and even renaissance bands will be allowed.

Rap is not music. Rap is a punishable offense. Punishable in any way the Evil Overlord deems necessary at any given moment.

Country is not music. In no way is this horrid concept even allowed to be discussed as music. Mentioning this awfulness outside of reading this law is punished by a quick death. Playing and/or creating this abomination will be punished by a slow, and very painful death. Anything sounding remotely like country will be considered country.

After a few years of this ban being in effect, some of those so called country stars may find that they have their dog, wife, and jobs back. With rap being outlawed, our street corners and random recording studios will again be safe. Gold will no longer be bought up and made into such gaudy forms of bling. The world will have a more pleasant sound surrounding it. Soon country and rap will be but a painful memory for the very old, and a ghost story to be told around the campfire.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. You want something, you have to pay for it. The ideas of welfare and government subsidizing are very detrimental to our society. We have thousands upon thousands, especially in the midwest, who sit on their butts all day, doing nothing, and expecting the government to take care of everything. That they are entitled to a free lunch because something bad happened to the thirty years ago. We have entire fields being tilled under. Precious food material going to waste, because it will drive costs up. And the government is telling them that it is ok by subsidizing the whole process. The time for a free lunch is over. You want something? You are going to go out and earn it! As Evil Overlord, why should I give of my wealth and power to someone who is not helping to maintain or build my power and control? If anything, I would rather have them shot so that they are no longer a drain on resources. To show that I am not completely heartless, I will grant these sanctions. Any person who is able to get to the age of sixty, will be taken care of by the government, under the conditions that they actively volunteer at schools, community service, parks, hospitals, orphanages, etc. Yes, they are retired, but that is no reason why they should abandon society, and their duties to society. Keep them active and benefitting those younger than them. Those who are truly invalid, those with alzhimers disease, etc, will be taken care of. They will be provided with a warm and caring living environment, and made as comfortable as possible. Anyone discovered abusing the past two groups, will be shot. Those who are handicapped in any way, will also be required to work to the best of their abilities. This will have to be judged on a case by case basis because of the nature of the potential ailments. Finally those who are capable of working, who have no job and not from lack of trying, will be taken care of while they obtain schooling to make them more desirable in the workplace. All able to work in the household, must work and help contribute to the family needs. By following this method, we insure that the resources of the empire are not bled dry, that the capable workforce is doing everything possible to support the empire, and those who are truly incapable of work, and/or taking care of themselves will be provided for.

The question may come up, if I am the Evil Overlord, why would I even care about taking care of the elderly and the invalids? To be honest, I do not. I would rather they were all elliminated. My subjects, however, do care for them. They are family. It is cheaper in resources to keep them happy by providing for their ailing family members, then it is fighting them and punishing them for going against the system, and for possible revolts and rioting. After all, it is all about the bottom line, and how much power I have, at the end of the day.

As any government will tell you, there is a need to punish your people when laws have been broken. Without the punishment, there is no reason not to commit the crime. I am sure you can see where this goes. Governments therefore punish as needed. The problem becomes how long it takes to actually get around to punishing the guilty. At the urging of the lawyers, appeals are filed, punishment delayed, and state money wasted. The only person who really benefits is the blood thirsty lawyer. Occasionally, the guilty walk, mainly through a glitch in the system. No punishment occurs, and the crime is once again committed.

You should have only one attempt to defend against the single attempt to prove that you are guilty. Glitches in the system do not allow you to walk away from your crime. If you are guilty, you are guilty, and punishment will be given.

Punishment will be swift. Executions will be administered by the judge and his shotgun hidden behind the desk. Imprisonment will happen immediately. There will be no talking to the press. There will be no hope for a last minute reprieve from the governor.  You did the crime, now take the punishment like a man.

Mistakes will undoubtedly happen. A system ran by man will always be plagued with human error. It is the best that we can do without being able to read minds. It is a risk that the innocent will be punished for someone else’s crime, but it is a risk that I am willing to impose on all of you. We will simply send a card to the innocent, or the innocent’s family expressing that we are sorry that they suffered. If they wish to seek retribution, their defending lawyer can be sued for being incompetent.