Overlord Academy

If you ask any stranger, and especially any beauty pageant contestant, what the single greatest thing they want to see, the answer invariably is world peace. They give this answer, not because they desire world peace, but because it is supposed that that is what others desire and want to hear. When we get right down to it, mankind individually desires power, wealth, and total dominion of the surrounding world. Peace is not the desire, but more often than not a byproduct of absolute rule.

As the world currently stands, we have multiple countries, competing against multiple religions, all wanting their force their ideals on those around them. The only reason they want to force their ideals on others is because at some point, something important to their beliefs occurred in someone else’s land. Contention ensues, and war begins. People say they want world peace, but it will never happen as long as everyone believes differently.

That is where we step in. As we take over the world, continuity begins. The same military and police forces enforce the rules of the empire. Everyone becomes equal, except for the french who will be crushed into oblivion. Everyone hates france so what does it matter? Childish quarrels over holy lands will cease the moment of detonation. If the land is no longer valuable, the fighting will end. If the fighting continues, both fighting forces will be captured and publicly executed. The message will quickly spread that fighting will not be tolerated, and peace ensues. It has been stated by others, but it applies to this situation, Peace through Domination.

If anyone ever states they want world peace, enlist them into your plans. If they truly desire world peace, they will sign on. If they do not truly desire peace, they will make up some excuse and give you plenty of room. Helping you out either way.

The problem with taking vacations as Evil Overlord, is that no matter how well prepared you leave the office, some problem will arise fifteen minutes after you leave. Instead of remaining focus on regular duties, everyone focuses on this new issue. The odds are, had you remained in the office, you would have deemed the issue unimportant and nothing would have been done anyways. Instead you have the entire employed force working on a stupid issue and not accomplishing anything else. In the end, solving the one problem will only bring up thirty more problems, and that is what you will have to look forward to at the end of your vacation. No work done, and new disasters to have to take care of.

While away, someone will always need to be able to contact you, but if you are not careful, your vacation will quickly turn into not a vacation. If you truly cannot trust your underlings to think for themselves, and to obey orders, set aside no more than one hour each morning. At the end of the hour, cut all communication. You need to relax, you have too much on your shoulders, and if you do not relax, you are going to be wound up tighter than any politician working on a pet project.

It is true, when you return to the office, you will have a huge back log of emails, phone messages, and paper documents to go through, but if you planned accordingly, you will be just fine. If you cannot plan for, or anticipate this potential mess, you are better off not taking a vacation. In truth, you are better off not pursuing a career of Evil Overlord. You are a pansy, worse than the french, and should just turn back now.

As stated in previous posts, no matter how strongly you may wish, you will never have special powers. X-Men mutants can never happen, and the power of the force is not real. You cannot crush throats like Darth Vader. You cannot shoot lightning out of your hands like the emperor. And no matter how cool Yoda is, you will never be as awesome. The force, and mutant powers are all make believe. We are reiterating this fact because there are those of you who continually ask for instruction, and talk about, these powers.

If you find that in spite of reality, you do have special powers, use them. Use your powers often. Use your powers in the open. Make the peasants and other world leaders fear you! Be careful not to disfigure yourself using your powers like the Emperor. Make sure you do not drive yourself insane denying the powers that you have.

Since no one else has these powers, you are special. There is no one else to teach you. There is no one for you to rely on. The world governments will try to control you, and people will fear you. It is going to happen. So learn to use your powers fast. Do not shun them. That way, when the governments do come around, you can control them instead, and use them in your plans for World Domination. The hated land of france will be a good testing ground. The people are pansies, and will in no way try to stop you. They will just look the other way and talk about the latest vintage. You can also use elves as targets.

One of the biggest pitfalls of having powers, will be the tendency to rely on them completely. This is bad. Powers can be blocked or countered leaving yourself defenseless. Do not shun other weapons. Know how to use high and low tech weapons, and always keep some on your person. Hidden. Secret, and unknown from even your closest advisors.

The purpose of a doomsday device is to give credibility to an Overlords threat of total world destruction. The threat of life’s end, will drive many people to do things that they normally would not do. Things such as give up life savings to pay off the tyrant bent of world domination, or gladly giving control of the country to a crazed lunatic, for a few more precious hours with loved ones. A doomsday device is a necessity to every plan of world conquest. Plan on it, do it.

Possessing this destructive instrument is only part of the battle. As the Evil Overlord, you must be willing to activate the device, knowing full well that your life is forfeit as well. Meaning, of course, you do not threaten your own life for something simple like france to surrender. With france you need only to land a small group of armed soldiers anywhere in or near there, and the whole country will surrender. No, you need to hold out the doomsday device for those big, cannot live without, occurrences. Instances like the whole entire world converging upon your fortress. If they capture you, you are as good as dead anyway, might as well threaten EVERYTHING else in exchange for the heads of the leaders of the invading rabble, and for the complete surrender of all invading troops. If they value their life, or the life of family and friends, they will give in, especially knowing that you are fully capable of ending it all, once and for all.

Now, to improve the chances of the doomsday device activating without any attempts from the opposition interfering, the location of the doomsday device needs to be kept secret, and the exact operation of the device known to none but yourself. For example, if the device was not located on this planet, it would be very difficult for the opposing forces to get to the device in time if they were able to even locate it. Also, it does not have to destroy the earth directly. If you destroy the sun, earth is as good as dead by default.

Remember, you want to live as much as the next person, but you have a mission! You want to rule the world. Are you willing to give it all up, just to preserve your life? Which will be a very pathetic life not ruling the world.

As Evil Overlord, you have a great need in maintaining armed forces. These troops will be used for invading other countries and subsequently taking them over. These troops will also be used for protecting conquests already won. They will serve as a backup to your other local law enforcements. Theses troops will also be protecting you own sorry butt.

You want these troops in top shape. They need to be healthy. They need full competency in all forms of weaponry, primitive and advanced. Competency includes knowledge in the use of, and in defending from every weapon ever known to man. Hopefully this knowledge will be paramount in fighting off the Ewok uprising which is bound to happen sooner or later.

With the troops trained in this manner, they should be able to construct their own weapons at any given moment. This makes arming them a much simpler matter. Instead of having to come up with an elaborate array of weapons, a simple standard issue pack can be used for each soldier. This pack should include a semi automatic handgun with a caliber bigger than 9mm. You should probably make this a standard to save cost on ammunition, as well as easing the burden of the supply chain. I would recommend a 45. Each soldier should also have an assault rifle. Again make this a standard rifle and round. Those who have proven efficiency at marksmanship, may exchange the assault rifle for a sniper rifle. This pack should also include a good knife or two, and a few hand grenades or other portable explosive devices.

This is all general issue. If the need arises for something different, something a little bigger, this must be provided. Do not worry about what may be required. Your troops will inform you soon enough.

Although in most fighting groups there is one designated communications officer, every soldier should be equipped with his own radio and locating signal. This is for obvious reasons. If I must spell this one out for you, you are too incompetent to continue pursuing the Evil Overlord position.

Body armor is a necessity, but must be tailored to the position being patrolled. While in the navy serving on a ship, body armor is not going to be of any use. While patrolling the streets of occupied france, light armor will be required. While leaving your tent to go to the can in Iraq, heavy armor is a must.

If you have trained your men properly and given them the tools necessary, your troops will be able to look after themselves, and be able to provide you with the greatest military force ever assembled.

No matter how much you may wish for some sort of special power, you will never be anything more than an average human. Thinking that by just willing it to happen, you can somehow change reality, will only prove how woefully inadequate you are to rule the world.

Yes, it is nice to dream of being able to fly, to shoot raw power from your hands, or even to control the elements. All it is though, is foolish dreams. The only true super power that any of us can truly work toward, is enough control of world politics and local governments to always have our will obeyed.  In all actuality, anyone can obtain that lofty goal. However, by attending this school, you are being taught those few extra skills to give you an extra step or two up the ladder leading to world domination.

Once you have taken over the world, you can use your military and other resources, to develop all the equipment needed to pretend that you can fly, shoot lasers from your eyes, control the weather, manipulate the elements, control minds, or generally enjoy your abilities to really screw up the peasants way of life. And of course, you will always be able to test this new technology in the lands which will be formerly known as france.

As the days slowly drag past, it is becoming more and more apparent that we need to destroy france. Ever since the days of Madame Guillotine, the french population has steadily become more like a drooling imbecile and less like a proud race. True, it was a french man who built and gave the United States the Statue of Liberty (which apparently no longer stands for what it once did in regards to immigration.) True they saved our bacon many years ago. And yes they have given us french kissing. But what have they done lately? All they ever do is whine and complain. Recently the country took a black eye from the immigrant citizens rioting because of working conditions. The ruling government tries to please everyone, and only ends up offending everyone.

Talking about offending, has anyone smelled a frenchman lately? Do those people not know what a shower is? Or even deodorant? I had to sit next to a french girl several years back on a very long plane ride. Oh yes, she had two very nice… well, other than that, it was not a pleasant trip. She smelled so bad, even the tiny restroom smelled better after the token fat lady finished a marathon twenty minutes.

If I were to ask for the first thing you thought of when I said france, you would probably blurt out the Eiffel Tower. That is right, the largest landmark they have, and it was originally intended to be torn down. Pathetic.

All the elves that no one ever see, have begun migrating to france. Since french people are such pathetic worthless specs, the elven nation have found it a safe haven where they can begin anew their quest to dominate man. This is by far the greatest reason to destroy any nation, to rid the world of the elven blight.

Nuke france, and destroy the vermin elves!